Parenting Challenges Post-Separation: When Teenagers Resist Parenting Time

Eva DiGiammarino
Sep 4
3 min read

It’s not uncommon for parents of teenagers to feel frustrated when their child resists spending time at one parent’s home. In mediation, we often hear concerns like: “My child doesn’t want to come over unless I plan something fun.” So how do you balance encouraging your child’s relationship with both parents while avoiding the feeling that you’re “bribing” them?

Understanding the Teenage Mindset

By age 13, children are testing independence, forming stronger friendships, and becoming more opinionated about how they spend their time. A few things to keep in mind:

Peers matter more than ever. A date with a friend may feel more important to your child than family time, and this doesn’t necessarily reflect rejection of the parent. In fact, this is a developmentally normal milestone.
Structure helps. Teens thrive on predictability. Knowing what to expect at each parent’s home reduces anxiety and resistance.
Show the Teenager You Care How They Feel. Teens often want to feel heard, validated and in control. Co-parents are encouraged to set up "feedback sessions" either monthly or quarterly with their teenager to gather their opinion on what is working and not working in the parenting schedule. This can be with co-parents together or done separately. Where they may be conflict or heavy emotions, co-parents may want to have a family therapist sit in and assist.

Encouragement vs. Bribery: Getting your Teenager to Visit

Many parents feel trapped when a teenager refuses to come over unless there’s a “carrot”—like a manicure, takeout for dinner or a special outing. It can feel like your child is calling the shots, and you’re stuck bribing them just to get time together. Here’s how to break that cycle:

Set the baseline expectation. Parenting time is not optional. Let your child know that they’re expected to come, just as they’re expected to go to school. This isn’t about punishment—it’s about consistency and stability.
Build in normalcy, not rewards. Instead of promising something new each visit, focus on creating routines they can count on: a shared dinner, a TV show you watch together, or time to relax in their own room. When visits feel predictable and comfortable, the need for a “bribe” fades.
Offer limited choice within structure. Give your child autonomy in small, meaningful ways: “We’re having dinner together—would you like tacos or pasta?” This empowers them without handing over full control.
Acknowledge their feelings, but hold the boundary. It’s okay to say, “I know you’d rather be with friends, but I still want my time with you. We don’t have to do something special every time—we can just hang out.”

The goal is to send the message: time together is valuable in itself. Bribery suggests your presence isn’t enough. Encouragement means building connection and giving your teen a voice, while still keeping parenting time non-negotiable.

Setting Realistic Expectations

It’s appropriate for a parent to expect that their 13-year-old will attend parenting time—even if the child complains at first. However, it’s also important to adapt expectations to the child’s developmental stage and individual needs:

Allow flexibility. A teenager may not want a full weekend of structured activities, but they may appreciate a mix of independence (time on their phone, space to relax) and shared moments.
Incorporate their interests. If your child enjoys doing nails, drawing, or playing games, make space for those interests at your home—but not every visit has to revolve around them.
Acknowledge their feelings. Saying, “I know you’d rather hang out with friends right now, but I also want us to have some time together,” shows empathy without caving.

Final Thoughts

It’s normal for a teenager to push back against schedules or prefer certain activities. Parents don’t need to bribe their children into attending parenting time, but they do need to provide encouragement, structure, and a safe, welcoming environment. Your child may not thank you now, but consistency, empathy, and realistic expectations go a long way in maintaining a meaningful parent-child relationship through the teen years.